This song sums up how my father treats me and how I treat myself.  Taylor Swift. "Mean":


You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing

But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Someday, I'll be, living in a big old city
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?


For all who struggle xx

Well - I've had a few steps backward.

The first is that I stopped blogging because I went interstate to visit AJ.  Then I had two of the busiest weeks at work possible.

On top of that, my commitment to my diet sort of went out the window for the last two weekends.  Two weekends ago, we went to a theme park and I could not go past the fairy floss and ice cream :( and then yesterday, we had one of my best friend's engagement parties, so ended up eating and drinking a lot.

Regardless, I've had my two moments, and I've still come out with less weight, so I guess (while I should have lost more weight than I have) it still counts as a victory.  I'm now 79.9kg!!! The 8 is no longer the first number I see!!! I'm so happy with that really, and I truly want to keep it up.

I'm also doing the Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation and for the last week, I didn't eat her diet, but just drank protein drinks to lose the additional weight I had put on - I'm going to keep that in the back of my mind as an a quick way of losing a kg or two in a week.  It's not a long term solution to a weight problem, but it is a quick way of fitting into an outfit for an event you didn't know you had until the last minute.

BUT! I am now back on track and committed to the remainder of my diet.  I've printed this week's meal plans and shopping lists and will be doing my healthy shopping for the week early this afternoon.  I'm also thinking about training for a marathon.  I've never done it before, and never really believed I could do it.  I think I'm going to commit to that as a goal.  At least a 10km fun run or something similar.  I'll have to really train hard and commit to running and jogging, but I think I can do it.

Also, I'm going to train my brain a little.  I read this book called 'the Brain that Changes Itself' by Norman Doidge and it is INCREDIBLE.  There is this brain changing software that can alter how your neurones fire and interact and can improve your cognitive abilities.  It's incredible.  Check it out: google Posit Science and the american website gives all the details.  This research is supported by Johns Hopkins, Cambridge, Oxford - essentially any and all of the top institutions world wide support this program.  So I'm going to start reporting on it too!

Anyway.  Like I said - I'm recommitted to me, my health and I'm going to do everything in my power to be stronger and heathy.

Looking forward to going shopping for wedding dresses in a month!!!

Love and strength to all who struggle xx

Well, I am very proud.

80.3 kg!!!!! Smashing it!!!

I had a pretty awful week really.  My brother has bi-polar and he is systematically destroying my family.  I am at the stage where I do not think I can have him at my wedding.  Never would have thought it were possible.  And as I have said earlier, when I am upset or stressed, I eat.  But I tried really hard this week.  And I added lots of protein to my diet!!!

Also, because of a beauty appointment, I had to miss one of my workouts.  Also, because of an incredible workload, I had to change my 75 minute workouts on Thursday and Friday morning, to 60 mins on those afternoons!  So I am actually very proud of myself.

Anyway - my dog is a bit ill, and I have to take her to the vet (poor baby).  So I will have to disappear for a bit

Good luck to all who struggle with weight, brothers, and puppies

xx

So happy

Well, I've had a great triumph!!!  I did a great job and have gotten down to 81.7kg!!! I'm really happy!!!

I'm going to keep it up though.  My biggest problem is that I make a small victory and then I decide to treat myself with chocolate or lollies and then I'm worse than when I started!!

I'm so committed to this.  It's my last chance.

I've outlined my goals and I'm going to do everything in my power to get there

will do a full post soon - AJ is here and I want to spend time with him xx

My Commitment

I know this is a boring blog.  It really is just about me being accountable.  I am going to ace this and I'm going to make everyone proud of me.  Everyone who knows me.  All of you out there who don't.  I'm going to smash this

Fhat the wuck!! My commitment is to lose 20kg and keep them off.  I am going to take care of myself and make my health my priority.  I am going to do everything in my power and I am committed to do the work to get there.

I'll see you in 2 days xx

So I lost 200g hehehehe

Kinda funny!!! But I am actually semi happy - I had a false start this week, and then a migraine (of which I'm currently on day 5 of ARGH) But ALL of my clothes fit better, I feel better, and I'm going to nail this goal once my 12 week body transformation starts!!

I'm doing the Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation! I'm actually really excited, but I wish it would start already.  Doesn't start till Feb 9, so I'll just have to do it on my own until then.  

This week I'm going to get on it too! I'm going to drink those protein drinky things (which I secretly love), and I'm going to up my exercise to 5 sessions.  I'm so looking forward to seeing myself the way I've always wanted.  I want to be slim and toned and look forward to getting dressed every day.

Now is the time for me to take full responsibility!! I'm on my way to stopping my self-sabotaging habits (like acknowledging and more importantly believing my negative thoughts - NO MORE!)  No more excuses (no more too tired, too sick, too busy)

Good luck to all who are on the same journey as I xx

argh

this is my biggest problem.  I make any amount of progress and then I celebrate

This is the point of this blog is to make myself accountable! I'm owning up to my mistakes on the fricken internet!!!

I need to change my poor habits

I need to commit to the change

I will not be this person

the biggest loser is on at the moment, and I see these women so upset, and so fragile.  So insecure.  I will not let myself get to that stage.  If I'm truthful I'm on the pathway to being these women.  I'm only 18 kg overweight, but that's still not good.

I'll do better!

And I'll up the ante for the rest of the week to make up for my slide

No more excuses.

HELL YEAH BABY!!! I'm doing so good - I've lost a kg! I know it doesn't sound like much, but for me, it's always really difficult and it tends to be water weight that I lose.  This was real. 

I've done kick boxing twice this week, yoga once and lots of walking. 

I'm planning on doing kick boxing twice again, yoga twice and lots of walking.  AJ is down at the moment, and we've had the absolute best weekend.  I've been so happy with him, waking up to him in the morning.  He's leaving tonight, and I won't get to see him for 11 days, but that's ok.  I'll take that time to keep my progress going!!

I'm going to keep it up! I've starting organising my wedding - looking for wedding dresses, planning budgets, booking hair/makeup! It's going to be fun!  Wish me luck!

Here's my chart xx

the good and the bad

So week one down and it was both a success and a failure.

I was supposed to monitor the food I was eating so I could identify problems. I did try eating healthier than I did over christmas. I had between 300 - 600g of fruit each day (pineapple, apple, grapes, rock melon, etc) which I REALLY enjoyed!! But, because AJ was still on holidays, he cooked me food each night which consisted of lamb stew 2 nights, a baked lamb dinner (gravy, potatoes ... yum!) and lasagne... plus I just started work and found I needed a sugar fix at 3.30 (chocolate or lollies).

So, I was eating (general) healthier during the day, and then having relatively large and heavy meals at night. I did increase my exercise during the week to four 30 minute sessions and so I did not gain any weight, but I didn't lose any weight either :(:(

Annoyed with myself ...

I really am going to do better. I realised that for the last 5 years, every birthday I've promised myself to do something about my weight, and every year has gone by without me doing anything. Weight yo-yoing between 80 - 85 kgs. I want to get to 65kg! I'm going to be 65 kgs!

I'm over feeling heavy, big and overweight. I'm over not fitting into my clothes. And I'm over not doing anything about it and letting myself down by breaking promises to myself.

I guess that is what this blog is really about. Being accountable.

I'm going to eliminate chocolate and lollies. I'm going to reduce soft drink. I'm going to drink 2L of water every day. And I'm going to have light meals at dinner.

On my weigh in days, I'm going to post a copy of my weight loss chart (go to http://lilyslim.com/ for your own!!! It's a fantastic site!) So here we go:



Lots of love to all those struggling

xx

Food for thought

Well, I'm starting this new diet but before I can, I have to write everything I eat down for the next 7 days to get a feel for where my mindfulness of eating is at... Should be interesting.

I have to think about what I am putting in my mouth. I'm curious to find out if I am already eating a healthy balanced diet, or if I am really aware of WHAT I am eating and drinking....how many times a week am I eating take away, how much alcohol do I drink in a week.. would my grandmother recognise everything on the ingredients list?

I will have a look at what pops up in my food diary most often - a packet of chips at 3pm everyday, a few glasses of wine with dinner every night?

This might be a real eye opener and maybe even a little daunting but it will definitely help on the road to success!!!!

We're on - AJ gets here in 2 days!!!!!

set-back

Had a really lousy 4 days. Really lousy. Not a great start really. Ended up eating crap. I guess I eat when I'm upset or stressed. AJ left two days ago, but he'll be back soon. Will do better though. Have to do better. Trying to be accountable.

Half-way mark

Ok. So trying my first blog because I need an outlet. Doing this for me. Can you tell I'm trying to psych myself into this?

So. Background. My future husband is in the armed forces. He's been stationed for the last 2 years 300km away. We saw eachother most weekends and towards the end occasionally throughout the week when he had to work here. Now, those two years are behind us and another two years lay before us. He'll now live over 1000km away. Instead of driving to see eachother; we will be flying. Instead of every weekend; it will be every fortnight. Instead of Friday night to Sunday arvo; it will be Saturday noon to Sunday morning. We get married in 1 year and 1 day, so the first year of my marriage will be spent alone. And did I mention, he will be overseas o,n tours for most of that year? Don't think my life could suck more at the moment (I know it could but right now it sucks and I want to wallow).

We've been together for 2 yrs and 10 months and known each other for 8 years. We're in love and we will work out. I'm just sad that what is supposed to be the best time of my life, sucks.

I used to live with my best friend who was alone so we could wallow together a lot. But then she went and found her perfect man and they live together. She gets to come home every day and see him and wake up every morning and see him and I'm completely jealous. It's hard to take. She has other concerns (I know) but right now, I think she's the luckiest girl in the world.

What makes it worse (and better) is that to save money on rent, I am now living with my parents, 1.5 hours from my work and my friends. And right now, there are no 2 people on earth with whom I could get along with less.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. That will come later I'm sure.

To the point of this blog.

I'm going to look on the bright side, see the silver lining, and make myself some spotting lemonade. (I will interject here and say, on a side note, that I'm trying to curb my cursing and will use a different 4 letter word - "spot". So you will hear me frequently telling people to "get spotted", "spot off" and "go spot" themselves). Back to my point, I'm going to take the time away from my man to better myself. Translation: I'm going to lose weight. For him. For my wedding. For myself. I need to lose about 15 kg and will weigh in every week. I'm not sure what type of blog it will be. Whether the boring and completely unoriginal weightloss journalling. Or the whining/whinging "I miss my man" style. But I'm sure both will make an appearance.

So, the following countdowns will take place:

Weeks till fiancé (code name "AJ") moves back = 104
Weekends till AJ comes to visit = 0 (at the moment, he is here)
Weight = 84.4 kg (respectable - I've been heavier, but I've been lighter)
Kg to lose = 15kg
Ideal deadline = 30 April 2012

Advice, commiserating comments, supporters and witticisms welcome. Bullying, ignorance and poorly constructed arguments will be deleted hehe. Welcome to my universe!!!